I'm am suffering from so many feelings right now. None of them are good. I guess this is my blog for venting horrible feelings. I will pretend that I'm 23 and not 14- but a lady needs a method of venting. I think blogging is healthier than killing ALL THE THINGS...which is kind of what I feel like doing.
The worst part is that I really don't really have any reason to be mad- let alone extremely rageful. It's not even my period...I can't even blame it on vaginal bleeding. It's really stupid, because I just want to cry and tear at things, but I already feel foolish (and angry) enough.
As usual, my rage is inspired by the love of my life. It often is, but sometimes it's my boss...I guess that's pretty normal.
My stupid girlfriend went to stupid NYC to visit her stupid friends for a long-ass stupid weekend. Let's just say I've been dreading this trip since she told me she was going to do it (over a month ago). I don't like how she acts when she's around her friends. She doesn't like that I don't like that...but tough, that's just the way it is. So- I was already extremely apprehensive about this trip, but she managed to placate me by saying that she'd leave around 3pm today because her friend had work. Ok...that means she wont get back home super late, and we can spend some time together! Yeah...but I should've know better. I should've figured that she'd find some excuse to stay longer. Not just an hour or two longer...but like, 5 or 6 hours longer. So this means that she'll be rolling in at midnight or possibly 1 am. FUCK THAT.
Thanks for staying in NYC for 5/6 extra hours girlfriend. It totally made my day- it's not like I wanted to spend time with you or anything.
She probably doesn't give a fuck about how I feel in this matter. I know she doesn't get to see these people very often, but she told me (to make me feel better) that she would be home with enough time to spend with me. It was no big deal to give me the shaft. Arg.
So, there's that- and a few little things that just stoked the flames today. Ryan (who I call "the boyfriend who lives with us but doesn't) left me some gifts in the bathroom today. I go in to take a shower, and there's a huge pile of spit in the tub...and some floaters in the toilet. He's extremely gross in the bathroom. According to him, he cleans the bathroom all the time.
Also, my work day started by my boss telling me that she didn't like my cake designs- and then looking at all the things that maud did yesterday and gushing about how wonderful they are. Fuck that too. She keeps telling me that this isn't a competition, but she treats us so differently. All I want is approval where approval is due.
:( :( :(
I even got some bread that liz likes, so that I could share it with her this evening...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
That Look
The girlfriend is a funny person. She's kind of hard to get to know, I mean, REALLY know. I often feel privileged to know the real her, not just her public persona.
My favorite thing is when she gives me that look. The look that unironically says "I love you Elise". She's not really one for serious displays of affection. If she's openly affectionate, it's often silly or followed by a vomiting sound. Most of the time, I wish she would stop making a mockery out of our affections for one another...but sometimes I get that look. It's so genuine, so in the end...I guess I don't mind her silliness.
My favorite thing is when she gives me that look. The look that unironically says "I love you Elise". She's not really one for serious displays of affection. If she's openly affectionate, it's often silly or followed by a vomiting sound. Most of the time, I wish she would stop making a mockery out of our affections for one another...but sometimes I get that look. It's so genuine, so in the end...I guess I don't mind her silliness.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Vicious Circle- Being Mad at My Uterus
Being Female: I don't know why anyone does it. Every month, the things that make me female hijack my body and my mind. Usually my complaint is the pain. The mind numbing, crippling, hiding in a hole from the monster pain. However, this month...in my "Pre-Menstrual" days, I complain on the assault of my mind. Weird emotional swings and other common PMS mental tweaks are not usually a thing that bother me much, but when it happens, IT HAPPENS. This is why, I feel that I am justified in blaming my emotional weirdness on my nasty-ass, bleeding cycle.
So, last night I went out with a friend for a bit. We went to the grand opening night of a lesbian club. I went as my friend's moral support. She was supposed to be on a first date, but the date didn't really show up until we were about to leave. That was cool. It's very rare that I'm in a room FULL of girls that are into girls. It was funny because I was a tad self conscious (suck in that gut you fool!). This must be what straight people feel like when they go to bars or clubs.
Anyways, we had a grand time, but had to leave early because I had work at ass o'clock in the morning. After the long metro ride, I made it home. I expected to find my girlfriend there...because as far as I knew, she had no plans. She wasn't. It would've been totally cool, but I had gotten no text or call about this and it was fairly late. It also appeared that her phone was off. I couldn't reach her. I tried to go to sleep...but instead I had an anxiety attack. My girlfriend isn't one to disappear without any sort of word. I go through a bunch of scenarios. Maybe I did something wrong that I wasn't aware of, and she left out of anger, or maybe she's doing something that she doesn't want to tell me about.
The more I think about it, the more my body physically reacts to this panic. My body is violently shaking, and I'm feeling pretty nauseous. This isn't the first time this has happened. Being upset for any at or about my girlfriend sometimes involves these tremors in varying strengths. Last night's bodyquake was very strong. She came home at 2:30ish, and of course, I was still not asleep. At this point, I had worked up a great anger that I was trying to control. I know that this situation is not one born out of reason.
She explains that she had sent me a text to tell me that she was going out with coworkers. Her phone is stupid and decides sometimes that It wont work. So, that's what happened. I didn't get her texts, and she didn't get mine. It took me some time to calm down after she got back, but she was very sweet and did her best to help me calm down. The shivering finally died down about 30 mins later.
In the end, I didn't get a lot of sleep...and work today was exhausting.
I fucking hate not being able to control some of my emotions. I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend.
So, last night I went out with a friend for a bit. We went to the grand opening night of a lesbian club. I went as my friend's moral support. She was supposed to be on a first date, but the date didn't really show up until we were about to leave. That was cool. It's very rare that I'm in a room FULL of girls that are into girls. It was funny because I was a tad self conscious (suck in that gut you fool!). This must be what straight people feel like when they go to bars or clubs.
Anyways, we had a grand time, but had to leave early because I had work at ass o'clock in the morning. After the long metro ride, I made it home. I expected to find my girlfriend there...because as far as I knew, she had no plans. She wasn't. It would've been totally cool, but I had gotten no text or call about this and it was fairly late. It also appeared that her phone was off. I couldn't reach her. I tried to go to sleep...but instead I had an anxiety attack. My girlfriend isn't one to disappear without any sort of word. I go through a bunch of scenarios. Maybe I did something wrong that I wasn't aware of, and she left out of anger, or maybe she's doing something that she doesn't want to tell me about.
The more I think about it, the more my body physically reacts to this panic. My body is violently shaking, and I'm feeling pretty nauseous. This isn't the first time this has happened. Being upset for any at or about my girlfriend sometimes involves these tremors in varying strengths. Last night's bodyquake was very strong. She came home at 2:30ish, and of course, I was still not asleep. At this point, I had worked up a great anger that I was trying to control. I know that this situation is not one born out of reason.
She explains that she had sent me a text to tell me that she was going out with coworkers. Her phone is stupid and decides sometimes that It wont work. So, that's what happened. I didn't get her texts, and she didn't get mine. It took me some time to calm down after she got back, but she was very sweet and did her best to help me calm down. The shivering finally died down about 30 mins later.
In the end, I didn't get a lot of sleep...and work today was exhausting.
I fucking hate not being able to control some of my emotions. I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend.
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